Looking For Wood

There's no metaphorical meaning to the title of this post. It is what it appears to be - a post about Looking for Wood. Because that's exactly what I found myself doing today.

My husband tore off the rotted wood on our back porch and we're ready to install new posts, hence a trip to the local Home Depot. Did you know that you should never buy wood until you're ready to use it? The reason is it can warp. And we don't want that! So today the moment arrived. It was time to go Looking for Wood.

Warning to all my fellow female bloggers. Looking for Wood differs from a run to the grocery store. If you should embark on such an endeavor, be prepared to allow at least three hours of your day. Don't leave dinner on the stove. Don't make plans for the evening. And you may want to take a book or magazine along. But don’t worry, Looking for Wood is not something that your husband will ever ask YOU to do. It is an art form, reserved for the male species.

We went to the local Home Depot, where all budding home improvement experts spend many a weekend and thousands of dollars. Most people there were buying grills and patio furniture, in anticipation of the 4^th of July holiday, but we made a beeline for the lumber department. It was there I observed my husband doing what he does best, Looking for Wood.

The first rule of Looking for Wood appears to be that you never select the top piece. No, you must carefully move the top layer aside so that you have access to pieces never touched by any other shopper. A visual inspection points you to a good looking piece, which you must hold up at an angle and peer down the length of it. It seems to help if you assume the position of a ship’s captain looking out to see through his looking glass. This is serious stuff, I realized, as I looked down the aisle and saw several other men Looking for Wood in much the same manner – a scary sight indeed.

After eyeing up the piece to see if it is straight, you must turn it over in all directions, looking for knots and other unsightly imperfections. And then lay it down flat and see if it rocks at all. If it does, it’s an indication of warping and that’s what we don’t want. This process must be repeated for every single piece of wood needed, and it goes without saying that the first piece will never be selected.

After looking through the pile at Home Depot for a good ten or fifteen minutes, my husband decided that Lowe’s probably had a better selection. Ladies, never feel bad for searching the entire mall for that perfect pair of shoes with your husband in tow. Believe me, it can’t be half as painful as Looking for Wood, and you’ll have something to show for your efforts! Anyways, we headed for Lowes, a twenty mile drive in the opposite direction, thankful that we don’t drive a gas guzzler.

Once at Lowes, after a brief stop to drool over reciprocating saws, we headed for the lumber piles and my husband assumed his Looking for Wood stance once again. This time we hit the jackpot - well, after the top row had been set aside, of course. After about fifteen minutes but what seemed like an hour, we had six choice pieces loaded onto our cart. After a brief look at rails and posts (not to buy, mind you - remember, the first rule of Looking for Wood: never buy more than you can use that day), we headed for the checkout.

Unfortunately, Lowes did not have the brackets we needed, so we headed for the Home Depot down the road. Selecting brackets is nothing like Looking for Wood. My input on bracket selection was even welcomed and soon I had ten brackets stacked neatly in my arms, leaving my husband’s hands free for the last item on our list: Liquid Nail.

Liquid Nail really warrants its own post but I’ll be succinct here. Just be prepared; Selecting Liquid Nail is almost as painful as Looking for Wood. Do you know how many types of Liquid Nail there are? There’s Liquid Nail for concrete, for paneling, for wood, foam, plastic and even for mirrors. It comes in super adhesive, super-duper adhesive and ultra super-duper adhesive. Liquid Nail has it all over Duct Tape.

It was while I was watching my husband tediously choosing the best Liquid Nail for his project that I realized yet another benefit of being a writer. While other wives were moaning and groaning and tapping their feet impatiently, I was mentally writing this post!

Tags: Home Improvement